Devised piece : January 2014

My names mark Davis, I’m 16 and I have a problem, a big problem! You see my dads always told me that life is about being respected, and the trick to being respected is to be harder than the next guy. He always says if anyone steps to me, that I should stand my ground and fight, but… The thing is, I’m not like my dad ,I,I never have been. The thing about my dad is that he is big, he’s hard and he’s respected, but me, well I’m not like that at all, I have never had the confidence to hit anyone and well, I’m certainly not respected! And mum, well mums doesn’t really have time to listen, she’s always very busy you see. So I was forced to find my own way of dealing with my problems, you see all I wanted was to escape. One day after school I was truly fed up, I just wanted quick relief I needed a release. They had been calling me names all day pushing and kicking and hitting me. So I came home and sat in my room, picked up my laptop, turned it on and typed in: ‘how can I escape?’ I clicked on the first result:

It calls me closer it calls me near

“Just once and it’ll all be over”

Death whispers in my ear

Irresistible its sweet entice

Staring down which one to slice

I observe my previous tries

My unseen hurt and earlier cries

No peace in my mind, no peace in my head

My quiet intelligence long since fled

Pain and sadness consume me

My minds demons burst to be free

The walls of my cage finally cave

“Just be still, just be brave”

I slash down with a carving knife

Forget this world, forget my life

Blood oozes and drips down the drain

A slight tingle but no real pain

Calmness comes over me

My last attempt it’s got to be

“Fuck everyone that made me into this”

The very same people I’m going to miss

Tears stream down my cheek

My head feels heavy, I get dizzy and legs go weak

Darkness surrounds me; I get a glimpse of the abyss

Slowly I embrace the darkness

As I read through it I started to realise I wasn’t alone, I started to see that I don’t have to throw a punch, I don’t have to shout and swear at people and I don’t have to talk to my parents! So I did it, I crept downstairs at 12 o’clock that evening- the fourteenth of November, opened the kitchen drawer and quietly withdrew the brown handled carving knife that mum doesn’t use. I hurried upstairs careful not to wake up mum or dad and sat cross legged on my bedroom floor, I backtracked through all the words, the kicks the hits and for the first time I smiled! Because I knew that they wouldn’t be able to get to me anymore, I sat for another three, maybe four minutes just staring down at the cold stainless steel blade. Just knowing that in a few short moments I would become untouchable. I would be like my mum and dad unfazed by anything, ready to take whatever people wanted to do to me in my stride. Knowing that in my own way, I was fighting back. And then, I did it and a superlative ecstasy overcome me and all of the broken pieces of me fused together and I became a person again. Not just a shell that puts on a brave face for fear of others judging him. And the blood dripped and I felt happy for the first time! So I began cutting once, maybe twice a week which turned into three maybe four times a week, and now, well now it’s every day, and sometimes twice! And if I don’t do it I start to [hyperventilates] panic a-and shake and my confidence goes and I feel worthless again, so I thought I would go and talk to mum and dad, I thought they would want to help me, and build me back up, but that wasn’t the case, instead what happened was, they judged me, called me an ‘attention seeker!’ I don’t want any attention that’s why it took me so long to tell them what was going on!

That seems to be a lot of peoples issue they think that self-harming makes you an attention seeker! Self-harm has risen by 68% in the last ten years, that means that one in every twelve children in this country regularly self-harms, yet three in every four of these children say they don’t know where to turn. Almost 50% of the GP’s in this country say they don’t understand young people who self-harm and their motivations for doing it. It seems to me that the issue is not that children and young people who self-harm are attention seeker. The issue lies with the lack of attention paid to children and young people who do self-harm! Parents, teachers, GP’s and anyone else responsible for children should all receive instruction and information on how to deal with young people like myself. Parents and guardians especially should be encouraged by agencies and the government to talk about self-harm with their children so that we are not scared to discuss our problem and do not fear we will be scrutinised and misunderstood as being “attention seekers” or “nut cases” because it is simply not the case!

You see, now that I have been given acknowledgement, I have been given understanding and I don’t feel scared anymore! [Deep breath in] (Heckling intensifies) [Walk forwards] I don’t need to cut to numb the pain anymore! I know myself for the first time in my life, the real me, the me who is clever, loving and understanding. Like a phoenix from the ashes I have risen! And with the help of people who care and want to listen to my problems I now have the confidence to show people who I am!

There was a time I stepped forwards but found no destination

I was lost in a sense of unease, walls were closing in

Every movement landed nowhere

For nowhere was everywhere and everywhere was an idea

A way of labelling the nothingness

Devised piece

Monday, 13 January 2014

music for my scene

Monday, 6 January 2014

the monologue marks account