My names
mark Davis, I’m 16 and I have a problem, a big problem! You see my dads always
told me that life is about being respected, and the trick to being respected is
to be harder than the next guy. He always says if anyone steps to me, that I
should stand my ground and fight, but… The thing is, I’m not like my dad ,I,I never have been. The thing about my dad is
that he is big, he’s hard and he’s respected, but me, well I’m not like that at
all, I have never had the confidence to hit anyone and well, I’m certainly not
respected! And mum, well mums doesn’t really have time to listen, she’s always
very busy you see. So I was forced to find my own way of dealing with my problems, you see all I wanted was to
escape. One day after school I was truly fed up, I just wanted quick relief I
needed a release. They had been calling me names all day pushing and kicking
and hitting me. So I came home and sat in my room, picked up my laptop, turned
it on and typed in: ‘how can I escape?’ I clicked on the first result:
It calls me closer it calls me near
“Just once and it’ll all be over”
Death whispers in my ear
Irresistible its sweet entice
Staring down which one to slice
I observe my previous tries
My unseen hurt and earlier cries
No peace in my mind, no peace in my head
My quiet intelligence long since fled
Pain and sadness consume me
My minds demons burst to be free
The walls of my cage finally cave
“Just be still, just be brave”
I slash down with a carving knife
Forget this world, forget my life
Blood oozes and drips down the drain
A slight tingle but no real pain
Calmness comes over me
My last attempt it’s got to be
“Fuck everyone that made me into this”
The very same people I’m going to miss
Tears stream down my cheek
My head feels heavy, I get dizzy and
legs go weak
Darkness surrounds me; I get a glimpse
of the abyss
Slowly I embrace the darkness
As I read through it I started to realise I wasn’t
alone, I started to see that I don’t have to throw a punch, I don’t have to
shout and swear at people and I don’t have to talk to my parents! So I did it,
I crept downstairs at 12 o’clock that evening- the fourteenth of November,
opened the kitchen drawer and quietly withdrew the brown handled carving knife
that mum doesn’t use. I hurried upstairs careful not to wake up mum or dad and
sat cross legged on my bedroom floor, I backtracked through all the words, the
kicks the hits and for the first time I smiled! Because I knew that they wouldn’t
be able to get to me anymore, I sat for another three, maybe four minutes just
staring down at the cold stainless steel blade. Just knowing that in a few
short moments I would become untouchable. I would be like my mum and dad
unfazed by anything, ready to take whatever people wanted to do to me in my
stride. Knowing that in my own way, I was fighting back. And then, I did it and
a superlative ecstasy overcome me and all of the broken pieces of me fused
together and I became a person again. Not just a shell that puts on a brave
face for fear of others judging him. And the blood dripped and I felt happy for
the first time! So I began cutting once, maybe twice a week which turned into
three maybe four times a week, and now, well now it’s every day, and sometimes
twice! And if I don’t do it I start to [hyperventilates] panic a-and shake and
my confidence goes and I feel worthless again, so I thought I would go and talk
to mum and dad, I thought they would want to help me, and build me back up, but
that wasn’t the case, instead what happened was, they judged me, called me an ‘attention
seeker!’ I don’t want any attention that’s why it took me so long to tell them
what was going on!
That seems to be a lot of peoples issue they think
that self-harming makes you an attention seeker! Self-harm has risen by 68% in
the last ten years, that means that one in every twelve children in this
country regularly self-harms, yet three in every four of these children say
they don’t know where to turn. Almost 50% of the GP’s in this country say they don’t
understand young people who self-harm and their motivations for doing it. It
seems to me that the issue is not that children and young people who self-harm
are attention seeker. The issue lies with the lack of attention paid to
children and young people who do self-harm! Parents, teachers, GP’s and anyone
else responsible for children should all receive instruction and information on
how to deal with young people like myself. Parents and guardians especially
should be encouraged by agencies and the government to talk about self-harm
with their children so that we are not scared to discuss our problem and do not
fear we will be scrutinised and misunderstood as being “attention seekers” or “nut
cases” because it is simply not the case!
You see, now that I
have been given acknowledgement, I have
been given understanding and I don’t feel scared anymore! [Deep breath in] (Heckling intensifies) [Walk
forwards] I don’t need to cut to numb the pain anymore! I know myself for
the first time in my life, the real me, the me who is clever, loving and
understanding. Like a phoenix from the ashes I have risen! And with the help of
people who care and want to listen to my problems I now have the confidence to
show people who I am!
There was a time I stepped
forwards but found no destination
I was lost in a sense of
unease, walls were closing in
Every movement landed
nowhere
For nowhere was everywhere
and everywhere was an idea
A way of labelling the
nothingness
No comments:
Post a Comment